Going to the theatre can be annoying.
Sure, I make theatre. Sure, I love it when people come to my shows.
But man, dragging ones ass out the door can be a real pain.
How does answer the to-see-or-not-to-see question? What if I really, really don't want to? What if I'd rather sit on the couch with a tube of Pringles and paint my toenails? I'd never get out then. If left to my own devices, I'd sit and watch movies and my friends (both of them) would hate me.
So, I hereby present The Theatre Obligation Scale. A custom made tool for determining whether or not you should go see a play tonight. Just read each question and score accordingly. Award yourself a plus (+) or minus (-) point as indicated.
It beats having to make up excuses or conveniently "forgetting". Don't fight the facts. Just roll with it.
QUESTIONS:
1. Are you a personal friend of anyone in the show? This includes "yes, I've known them for 10 years" or "yes, I slept with them in undergrad". Because that's pretty personal. (+1 for each person)
2. Have you previously worked with anyone involved in the show? Any and all forms of work qualify. (+1 for each person)
3. Is there a chance that in the future you will need to either a) work with or b) request favours from anyone in the show? This includes "please can I borrow your coffee table" and please will you act for free". (+1 for each person)
4. Did you make an unwitting promise that you would see the show? Anything along the lines of "oh okay, I'll definitely check it out" qualifies. If you said "uh huh", "sure", "yes", "mmkay", "maybe" or "I'll see", that also qualifies. (+1)
5. Will it be educationally enriching for you to attend said show? As in, will you learn something you didn't know about a historical event, or a period in human history, or a topic not on Wikipedia? (+1)
6. Have you heard a favorable review from a critic or a mouth that you respect? Not applicable is "yeah, it was cool" or anything resembling. (+1)
7. Will there be snacks, food, wine, or any manner of edible things on sticks? (+2)
8. Will you be overwhelmed with guilt when asked "hey, why didn't you come see my show" during a chance encounter in Spar? (+1)
9. Have the person/persons involved been to more than 50% of your shows? People who beg for comps excluded. (+1)
10. Do you respect or have you enjoyed the past work of someone in the show (+1 for each person)
11. Does it have a bad title? (-1)
12. Did you cringe when reading the synopsis and/or press release? (-1)
13. Is there nudity from an undesirable source? (-1) For nudity from desirable source, (+1)
14. Are the tickets overpriced? Overpriced being "I could treat myself to a three course meal for that amount". (-1)
15. Is there a sports event of mild to strong significance happening simultaneously? (-1)
16. Does the running time exceed 1h30 mins? (-1/2 point for every half hour exceeded)
17. Does the play require you to move from location to location? (-1/2 point for every move, excluding foyer to seat)
18. Is it written by Athol Fugard? (-2)
19. Did the poster cause you to dry retch? (-1)
20. Have you been continually spammed via email, sms, Facebook or direct confrontation? (-1/2 point for every spam crime exceeding 3 pieces)
Now, to the scoreboard!
1 - 5 points = Stay home. Have a bagel. Hell, go to bed at 8pm. Your conscience does not deserve to be wracked with guilt.
6 points = You should take a shower and seriously contemplate leaving the house, at the very least.
7 - 9 points = Go. Now. Book a ticket and go. Refusal to adhere makes you a Bad Person.
11+ points = There are no options in this matter. If you choose to pass, you will lie awake at night with shame nibbling at the edges of your delinquent brain. When you die, no one will attend your funeral. Even if they agreed to "definitely check it out".
End.
 |
| An honest opinion openly expressed. |
How much did you enjoy working out your score? Exactly.
Thank you, Amy.
No comments:
Post a Comment